Miscarriage: dads and partners

Miscarriage: dads and partners

Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy before 24 weeks. This leaflet is for you if you are the partner of someone who has had a miscarriage. It has suggestions for how you can help, and information and support for you.

About miscarriage

A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy before 24 weeks. Early miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. This is the most common type of miscarriage. Read more about early miscarriage.

A late miscarriage happens after 12 weeks but before 24 weeks of pregnancy. Read more about late miscarriage.

Your feelings as a partner

How you feel about miscarriage is very personal. Your feelings may depend on the situation or change over time.

You may feel connected to your baby early in pregnancy and experience feelings of loss straight away. Or you may find it difficult to think about yourself while you are supporting your partner. Processing your own feelings might happen later.

Sometimes people say or do upsetting things, usually without realising. For example, you may find that people ask how your partner is feeling, but don’t ask about you. Or they may assume that you aren’t as upset.

Partners who are not biological parents of the baby sometimes find that people don’t realise they are also affected by the loss.

Some partners feel a sense of failure. It is important to know that miscarriages rarely happen because of something you or your partner did or didn’t do.

You may also feel:

• grief, that can come and go
• shock
• difficulty accepting what has happened
• emptiness
• difficulty understanding how your partner is feeling
• difficulty communicating with your partner
• as if there is no point talking about it, or as if you want to talk about it more
• anxiety for the future and for your partner
• a lack of motivation
• jealousy of others who are having or have babies.

Partners, friends and family can be a great support after a miscarriage. But you may prefer to talk to someone else. A link to organisations that offer helplines, peer support networks and face-to-face support groups can be found at the end of this leaflet.

Supporting your partner

• Encourage them to rest and eat well.
• Listen to how they feel, try to understand and let them grieve the way they want to.
• Don’t avoid talking about it. It may be tempting, but it can help to talk.
• Try not to take things personally right now. Your partner may feel tearful, angry and sad. People often take out strong feelings on the people they are closest to.
• Be ready with practical help– such as making sure there is a supply of large absorbent sanitary pads and painkillers.
• Talk about making memories together if this is something that you would like to do. You could apply for a certificate and record in the Memorial Book of Pregnancy and Baby Loss Prior to 24 Weeks as a way of recognising your loss. See the links to further support at the end of this leaflet for more information.
• Talk with your partner about who, when and how to tell other people about what has happened.
• Talk to your partner about any upcoming appointments and tests and try to attend with them.
• Talk to your partner about how and whether you want to remember and recognise anniversaries such as the baby’s due date.
• Be aware that your partner will also have physical and hormonal changes to deal with. Having periods again can also feel difficult.
• If you are concerned about your partner’s physical or mental health, encourage them to seek further help.

Read more about supporting your partner after a miscarriage.

More support for you

Find out more about specialist support organisations.

You can find out more about everything covered in this leaflet by following the links to information on NHS inform. You can also search on www.nhsinform.scot