Staying together and connected: getting it right for sisters and brothers: national practice guidance

14. Spending time together

Brothers and/or sisters who live apart must be supported to keep in touch and see one another regularly, so that their relationships continue and develop. This is set out in the 2020 Act^[116] of the Children (Scotland) Act 1995, which establishes that where a child in care does not live with any or all of their brothers and sisters, the local authority must take such steps to promote and facilitate 'direct contact' between them and their brothers and sisters on an ongoing, regular basis, wherever this is appropriate. The presumption is that in every case this is appropriate, unless an assessment (which takes full account of the views of the brothers and sisters concerned) clearly demonstrates otherwise.

There are many ways in which brothers and/or sisters can see one another and spend time together. What is important is that, in every case, this happens in line with the child's needs and wishes, rather than being constrained by wider systems, bureaucracy or the plans or needs of adults. Whilst evidence is clear that children and young people with care experience know who they wish to see, there is also evidence that they are generally not satisfied with the arrangements in place to facilitate this.^[117]

If brothers and/or sisters do not live together in care, they should live near to one another which will make seeing one another and spending time together frequently more straightforward than if their homes are further apart. More guidance is given in Section 13.

Creative solutions

'The two foster families who care for two siblings who are separated have a very simple but effective arrangement. One child goes every Friday to their sibling foster family for tea. If one carer is taking a child swimming or to the park for example, they will pick up the phone and ask the other carer and invite the other child along too.' (Source: East Ayrshire Council)^[118]

14.1 Quality time

The specific ways in which brothers and/or sisters see one another, keep in touch and spend time together should be based on their individual needs, wishes and best interests. Notwithstanding this, there are some overarching principles to ensure that time spent together or in touch is a positive experience. These include:

• Being child-centred – plans should be based on the wishes, needs, personalities, likes and dislikes of the children at the heart. Spending time together as children, playing, having fun and being together in a relaxed environment free from any external pressure.
• Ensuring protected time – spending time together with brothers and sisters should be exclusive time spent, and not conflated or merged with other times they may be together (such as at school) or when seeing other family members, such as parents. In line with the views, needs and wishes of children it may be positive to spend time with other family members together with brothers and sisters, but this should be in addition to time spent together, rather than instead of.
• Predictability – children should have a key role in choosing, and must know about, when, where, how and how often they will spend time or keep in touch with their brothers and sisters. This should be reliable, predictable and consistent, and avoid gaps in seeing one another and unknown plans. Children must be able to access advocacy and support if they feel this is not happening.
• Being flexible – in line with children's needs and views, flexibility around spending time together should be facilitated. Ensuring predictability does not equate to a need to be rigid. If children had planned to go for a bike ride, but when the time comes they agree they prefer to go the park, they should be supported to go to the park.
• Ensuring appropriate support – where required, time together should be supported and facilitated by trusted adults (e.g. the carers of the children). Some brothers and/or sisters who wish to, for whom it would be safe and developmentally appropriate, and who feel secure in their relationships with one another, should be supported to organise and spend time together themselves. For some, having an activity to participate in will be important. For others, a high level of support and skilled facilitation may be required.
• Proper resourcing – if children require bus fares to meet one another, car lifts or support with other forms of transport; or money for drinks, snacks, or activities, these should be made available in a flexible and accessible way. This requires thought and planning by the Team Around the Child. For the local authority, this may involve joint working across teams, for example, in cases where children are meeting older brothers and sisters who are care leavers, sharing responsibilities for finances between children's social work and throughcare and aftercare teams.
• Being individualised – plans should take account of the child's individual needs, their life histories, and their developing relationships with their brothers and sisters, which will be informed by ongoing comprehensive assessment (see Section 10).
• Ensuring natural and everyday experiences – whilst recognising and meeting their individual relationship needs (which may be complex), brothers and/or sisters should be supported to spend time together in a natural and everyday way. In most cases this should include everyday childhood experiences such as spending time in one another's homes, going round for a meal together, and having sleepovers. The levels of support which children need, and which parent and/or carers require to facilitate this, will differ depending on the individual children concerned.

Creative solutions

'Two older sisters were placed in foster care together, while their younger siblings remained at home. The foster carer supported all four children to spend time together, arranging birthday and Christmas lunches; and arranged overnight visits for one of the sisters who wanted this. The carer took the older girls on holiday to the same caravan park as their birth mum and younger siblings so they could spend time together, but also have their own space in line with the children's wishes.' (Source: Barnardo's Scotland)

14.2 Purposeful time together

From the perspective of adults, there may be different purposes and reasons for children to spend time and keep in touch with their brothers and sisters, depending on children's needs and longer-term plans.^{[119] [120] [121]}

Of utmost importance, however, is the value, meaning and purpose which children themselves attach to the time they spend with, or ways that they are in touch with, their brothers and sisters. This can change over time and should be frequently discussed and revisited.^[122] From the perspective of children, their brother and sister relationships have lifelong potential, so strengthening and maintaining these should be the primary goal.

Creative solutions

'Our group of 4 brothers and sisters were really struggling with where and how to meet up together due to their multiple disabilities. STAR worked well for them and they particularly loved the woods and making bonfires and baking together.' (Source: STAR, Siblings Reunited)

14.3 Choice, variety and needs

Sisters and/or brothers should be supported, enabled and encouraged to use a variety of methods to stay connected, maintain and develop their relationships, either to complement spending face-to-face time with one another, or as the main method of keeping in touch where face-to-face contact is not part of current plans.

From spending time together in one another's homes, playing in the park, doing arts and crafts, playing computer games, going out for tea, going shopping, to going to the cinema, there are countless ways in which brothers and/or sisters can enjoy spending time together. Being able to spend 'normal' time together is important to children.^[123] Children should be at the centre of deciding how they spend their time with their brothers and sisters, and the planning and support required to facilitate this will vary depending on the needs of the children at the centre.

Some brothers and sisters, who are comfortable and secure in their relationships are readily able to spend positive time together in whatever way they choose – be this in one another's houses, in the school playground, in the local community, on holidays together, or other ways which are right for them. Such arrangements may need to be facilitated by parents and/or carers, depending on the ages and developmental stages of the children involved.

Creative solutions

'A 12-year-old young person, supported by their advocacy worker, asked to attend a family meeting to share their wish for more contact with their siblings inside their family homes, rather than in public spaces. As a result, home contacts were put in place and support was provided by staff to the siblings if they needed this. A plan was also created to increase time together with the aim of overnights being started in time for Christmas holidays. Social workers involved were supportive with this process and purchased an extra bed for one of the homes, so the siblings could stay overnight together. The young person was happy with this progress and getting to have overnight visits regularly with their siblings.' (Source: Who Cares? Scotland)

Given brothers and/or sisters who are in care will be living together unless there is a clear welfare reason that it is better for them not to be, it is likely that for many brothers and/or sisters who live apart, additional support with their relationships, the time they spend together, and the ways they stay connected, will be required. Where children have complex or difficult relationships or have not seen their brothers and sisters for some time, feelings of nervousness and anxiety can be alleviated through careful planning and preparation. Where children require encouragement to communicate and build their relationships, activities which facilitate this can be planned, such as visiting a farm or zoo. To begin with, activities which involve little direct communication might be appropriate, such as going to the cinema.^[124]

14.4 Indirect Time Together

The COVID-19 pandemic has accelerated the use of digital communication as a tool to keep in touch with family. Virtual interactions have been very important to children in care in maintaining connections with their family, including brothers and sisters.^[125] Rather than replacing in-person face-to-face time, having access to video calling platforms can enhance opportunities to see and speak with brothers and sisters living elsewhere. Children's experiences of virtual contact are affected by how the adults caring for them support and manage this. For example, younger children may benefit from some input from carers, or the use of a child's favourite things to frame the conversation, such as toys or a story book.

As we go forward with the implementation of these legislative changes it will be important to continue to attend to the needs of parents, carers and children for assistance with digital support (including the provision of equipment, broadband and data support and help to build confidence in using digital devices as a way of enabling positive communications between brothers and sisters).

Creative solutions

'We supported two brothers, who initially did not know they had a new baby sister, to meet her over Skype. They now have regular calls to read her a story and say hello during the pandemic. This has worked so much better than using unfamiliar rooms in a social work office as everyone feels natural and comfortable.' (Source: City of Glasgow Council)

The quality of pre-existing relationships affects children's experiences of virtual communication.^[126] Some children may find virtual interactions to be less overwhelming and more manageable and enjoy the normalised and familiar way of communicating that this has become.^[127] Showing brothers and sisters their homes on a video call can be positive for some children, whilst for others, without the right support, this may feel intrusive. Virtual interactions may be less meaningful for some children, very young children for example and children with additional communication needs. Each child is different, and their unique circumstances, views and needs should be central to all plans and decisions about keeping in touch. Whether the child's brothers and sisters have access to devices, connectivity and technical skills to operate these must also be considered, and steps taken to overcome any of these barriers.

In addition to video messaging, a wide variety of online communications can be utilised for brothers and/or sisters to enjoy spending time interacting together, such as gaming, messaging platforms, and social media. For all children, online communications require careful attention to internet safety by parents/carers. Resources to support parents and carers can be found in Stop it Now – Kinship Cyber Resilience Training.

More traditional forms of keeping in touch, such as sending and receiving cards, letters and photographs can be important and experienced very positively, especially where face-to-face contact is not planned. Having regular news about family members can be very important to children.^{[128] [129]}

Creative solutions

'The social worker for a family of 4 children who all live separately started a "round robin" phone call system. She has also encouraged them to make "newsletters" to share with each other to keep one another updated.' (Source: Aberdeenshire Council)

For some children who do not wish to see their brothers and sisters in person, or for safeguarding reasons are not able to, indirect communication should be explored, established, and supported in line with children's needs and wishes. Less intensive communication, such as through sending cards or photographs, may be more suitable.

Some children may find virtual interactions less full-on and more manageable, and enjoy the normalised and familiar way of communicating that this has become, following the COVID-19 pandemic.^[130]

Creative solutions

'A 9-year-old young person living in residential care asked their advocacy worker if they could share their views in their upcoming review meeting, that they would like more contact with their younger sibling via FaceTime. Their sibling lives far away from them and at the review, it was agreed that the sibling's foster carer would arrange for photos, drawings and cards to be sent to the young person from their younger sibling. The young person was delighted to be receiving the letters and pictures from their sibling and the advocacy worker felt progress was made on realising importance of being in touch with their sibling for the young person.' (Source: Who Cares? Scotland)

14.5 Planning for Time Together

Brothers and/or sisters who live apart will, by definition, be living in different circumstances to one another. To support and facilitate the best possible experiences for brothers and/or sisters when spending time together, it is crucial that family members, carers and practitioners involved in the child's life work together as a team, with the child, to plan and provide support for before, during and after the time they spend together. Consideration is required in terms of:

• the length and frequency of when the children meet
• the timing of meetings (considering other events in the child's life, such as meeting other family members or other notable events)
• the ways in which time spent together will be most meaningful and positive.

All these factors should be expected to change over time, therefore, frequent review of plans is required in every case, taking full account of the views and wishes of children and their brothers and sisters.

Through working collaboratively together, the adults involved in children's care can ensure strong plans are in place to support children. Without working closely together for the benefit of the brothers and sisters involved, such planning and positive experiences risk being undermined. Parents and carers should be fully prepared for and supported through this part of their role. More detailed information about this support is given in Section 13.

Creative solutions

'Three children had lived with the same foster family for some time but the difficult decision was taken that due to the high level of care needs the children have, one of the children would move to another foster family. While there had been a high degree of conflict between the children, it was evident they had had a very strong sibling bond and it was imperative to ensure these were repaired after the separation. The Foster carers understood that initially family time within the carer's homes would be too emotionally intense and they needed to inject fun back into the children's relationships. This included planned activities and days out together, this is currently fortnightly. The carers hope to be able to have each other's children over for tea and sleep-overs in the near future and be able to be more spontaneous.' (Source: East Ayrshire Council)

Supporting parents and carers to develop ideas and solutions requires skill and is important to achieving quality time and positive relationships between brothers and/or sisters.^[131] Careful thinking about places and activities which are suitable to meet the needs of all children, as well as planning to ensure children feel safe and supported during the time they spend together are required.^[132]

There may be situations where, for safeguarding reasons, it is not possible for children to spend time alone with their brothers and sisters. Forming robust plans which have children's views at their heart, are carefully considered, well negotiated, understood by all and properly supported, are crucial to upholding children's rights and ensuring a child's time spent with their brothers and sisters is positive.^[133]

Attention to overcoming practical barriers is a key part of planning. By working closely together, the Team Around the Child (including parents and/or carers) should identify and plan to resolve any practical issues which might interfere with the smooth running of brothers and/or sisters spending time together. This includes determining:

• who will provide support and oversight during the time spent together (if this is required, in line with children's views, and their relationships, needs and developmental stages)
• how any financial costs (for example for travel, activities, drinks, snacks etc.) will be met
• how and when brothers and/or sisters will travel to and from the place they will spend time together (if required).

Creative solutions

'One child's foster carers took great care to arrange positive family time for a child with her grown-up sister who lived some distance away. They supported the arrangements and drove the child to meet her sister, stayed in the area while they spend time together, and then drove her home again.

The carers also made sure the child's younger sister was able to come to her birthday party, and stay after the party had finished to have one‑to‑one time together, seeing her bedroom and meeting the family pets. This has led to more plans for going to one another's houses for tea and having sleepovers in the summer holidays.' (Source: Aberdeenshire Council)

With the busy lives of parents and carers comes inevitable challenges to organise activities and opportunities for children to be together, and it is inevitable that one approach will not always ideally suit everyone involved. It is only by working together and being flexible with one another that the adults who care for and about the children involved can ensure the time they spend together is meaningful and free from any additional stress.^[134] Children's views about how and who they would feel most comfortable about arranging and supporting the time they spend with their brothers and sisters should be given full consideration.

Creative solutions

'We need to make sure children aren't exposed to institutional language and unnecessary barriers. One young person who had been seeing her sister only in the social work office asked me if she could have "unsupervised contact" with her sister.

Simply by agreeing with the young person's foster carer to be around at the beginning of visits, to check both girls are happy and have all they need, these sisters could spend family time together in a much more natural way.' (Source: Glasgow City Council)

14.6 Areas for special attention

Each child's history and current situation is unique and must be considered carefully and holistically to ensure the best plans are in place to maintain and ensure the development of relationships with their brothers and sisters. There are some specific areas which can impact on brothers' and/or sisters' experiences that should be considered carefully in cases where they arise. These include:

• Some children living with parents (or other family members) – some children living away from their parents may have brothers and sisters who continue to live in the family home. Equally, some children who can no longer live with their parents may be living with kinship carers, whilst other brothers and sisters live with foster carers or in residential care. Spending time with their brothers and sisters in different situations may reinforce and provoke difficult feelings which children require sensitive and attuned support to understand and manage.
• Time together with birth parents – depending on their individual circumstances, special attention may need to be paid to the dynamics and relationships between brothers, sisters and birth parents. Where brothers and/or sisters who live apart from one another in care spend time together with their birth parents, this can be positive and enjoyable family time, but also holds the potential to pull children into previous roles, thoughts and behaviours which were part of their past experiences of how their family functioned where there may have been neglect or abuse. This can be detrimental to their relationships with their brothers and sisters and should be carefully considered and appropriate support put in place if this type of family time is planned.
• Feeling safe – where there have been histories of intra-sibling abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual), if the brothers and/or sisters involved are going to spend time together, their feelings and experiences of safety are of primary importance. Patterns of dominance or exploitation can resurface during visits, and plans must be in place to ensure children's safety and sense of emotional security is not compromised.
• Secure care settings – when a child is in a secure care setting, they have the same rights to see and maintain their relationships with their brothers and sisters as any child in any form of care which is appropriate for their care and protection. Practitioners working within secure care settings must work together with the Team Around the Child to ensure suitable places and spaces are available for children to spend time with their brothers and sisters.
• A child may have a brother or sister who is in prison – such a situation should not of itself preclude contact between them taking place.

14.7 Risks and benefits

Within the Team Around the Child, there may be concerns about the risks of brothers and/or sisters spending time together, particularly the potential impact on the stability of children's placements. For example, for children in long-term foster care or who are adopted, there may be concerns that spending time with brothers and sisters can limit children's ability to feel part of the family they live with. The welfare of the child must always be at the centre, and their long-term placement stability is an integral part of this. It must also be remembered, however, that there are risks associated with a child not having a relationship with their brothers and sisters, with similarly lifelong implications.^[135]

Several factors can help to minimise risks and maximise the benefits of spending time together. Firstly, ensuring that, from the beginning, parents and carers (kinship, foster, residential and adoptive parents) understand and are comfortable with the concept that for all children maintaining relationships with their brothers and sisters generally has important lifelong benefits them. Secondly, ensuring parents and carers feel supported and empowered to find arrangements which work for their families (taking the views and wishes of children into account) to facilitate brothers and/or sisters to keep in touch. The Team Around the Child have an important role to play in encouraging and promoting the value of brothers and sisters relationships, and where carers are finding things challenging, offering support, in both practical and emotional terms.^[136]

14.8 Role of specialist organisations

In most circumstances, brothers and/or sisters can be supported to stay connected and spend time together by their family, carers, and the Team Around the Child (which may include specialist professionals with a specific focus on supporting the relationships between brothers and sisters, such as clinical psychologists or other specialised therapists).

There are circumstances in which more intensive support arrangements are required to enable brothers and/or sisters to spend time together, especially where they have experienced traumatic histories and/or have not been in contact for extended periods of time. Specialist organisations may have a role in these cases, and have been found to be of most benefit where:

• There are informal opportunities for brothers and/or sisters to meet and participate in activities
• There is support to ensure safeguarding, but the setting/supervisions does not feel imposed or formal
• Volunteers are trained and supported to facilitate visits
• Funding is in place to enable travel and activities^[137]

In Scotland, the Siblings Reunited (STAR) project provides such a service for brothers and/or sisters who have been separated and need specialist support to spend positive time together. STAR provides opportunities for positive shared experiences in a safe and natural environment with the support of skilled volunteers.